There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
