I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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