capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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