My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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