I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
