An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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