My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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