if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
