today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
