Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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