I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
