This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
