Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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