My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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