Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
