Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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