sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
