I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
