didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'm drive I can fine osifer
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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