pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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