Where is the hickey?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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