Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
