I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
only you would photoshop your dick
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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