I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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