i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
