It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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