I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
