im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just had sex on a roof
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
