I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
