If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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