please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
