My sheets look like a crime scene.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
