So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
