I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Blood and glitter go together right?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
