I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
