When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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