Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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