You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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