there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
