Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
