It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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