The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
