I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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