dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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