i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
