listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
