i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
