apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
