Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
