Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
