Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
